Gratitude.

The last few days have been… difficult. Even more so than usual. And the worst part is,
I could not pinpoint a cause. My best guess is that too many small, seemingly
insignificant events added up and exploded when I was least expecting. It seems to me
that these days, all of us are weathering out storms of our own. Or maybe, we always
were, and now we just have more time to devote to storm fighting. But I got so tired of
fighting against my inner tsunami that I gave up, dried my tears, threw my coat on, and
went for a walk to clear my head.

I put my Spotify playlist on shuffle and tried to calm myself down, tried to zone out of
all that negativity. The keyword here is ‘tried’. And by god, I tried so hard to get out of
that place, but I just couldn't. My brain has a funny habit of repressing gloomy,
pessimistic thoughts for the most part, only releasing them when I'm at my weakest.

My brain, I've discovered, likes to play tricks on me.  But that’s a whole other post.

I kept walking in circles around my building, waiting and hoping for some semblance of
clarity. And it came through music. One of my favourite Oh Wonder songs,
‘How It Goes’ started to play. The lyrics of that song were so similar to what I was
feeling, what I was going through. So I stopped walking. I just listened, fully, to the song. 

‘Maybe one day, I’ll be invincible,’ they sang. ‘Won’t let my demons bring me down.’

‘And every now and then, I’m gonna feel incredible.’

I’m gonna feel incredible.

That moment is etched into my brain. I think it will be, forever. From where I stood, I
could see a row of spring blossom trees, and a view of the hills beyond. It was beautiful.
It was a sort of daybreak. While watching the sun set, I found my own dawn. I felt as if
my inner universe shifted back into place, if only for a while. I remembered my own
philosophy- that i need to take life one day at a time, and find beauty and meaning in
even the smallest things. Despite the odds looking decidedly not in my favour, I must
charge on. I must fight and fight until I win. And win I will. 

I walked back inside, completely calm. The moment I got in, I switched on my laptop
and made a list of things I am grateful for. Because even though it doesn't seem like it
now, for the most part, there is still grace to be found in the world. And i want to honour
it, cherish it for what it is, and hope we get more of the same in the future.

With some minor edits, here is the list I made.

-I am grateful for sunsets, for reminding me that endings don't always have to be
bittersweet. Dusk gives way to starlight. I am grateful that I get to watch sunsets. I am
grateful that I think they are beautiful.

-I am grateful for smiles. They could be from anyone- a friend, a grandmother, a total
stranger. I am grateful that I can hear my flatmates’ laughter, loud and true, reverberating
in the kitchen when we bake together. I am grateful that laughs are contagious. Those are
better things to spread than, say, viruses.

-I am grateful for the seasons. For summer heat, for it gives us ice cream. For monsoon
winds, for it gives us long, peaceful drives. For winter fog, for it gives us fireplaces. For
spring hope, for it gives us flowers.

-I am grateful for music. Without it, I'd just be floating in the current of a river, aimlessly.

-I am grateful for the internet. I am grateful that my friends have access to the internet. I
am grateful that I get to speak to them over the internet. I am grateful for my friends’
reminders that I am not alone.

-I am grateful for my mother’s updates on my dogs. I am grateful for my family. I am also
grateful for dogs. Dogs are the best.

-I am grateful for every decision ever made. Because they led me here. To this city, to
this group of people. To my new family. I am grateful that I get to love, and be loved in
return. I am grateful for the life that I get to live. 

And you’d better believe, I'm going to keep living it. 

(PS- I took these photos myself while out on that walk. A permanent reminder to be
grateful.)